Category Archives: Question Of The Week

Answering QOTW:4.

Question #1:

Peter “hot rod” Hetzel

Why is it when I fart poo comes out sometimes?

While  I’m not surprised your question is about poo, I still have to let you know how much I hate you! :)

Ah well, a question is a question, right?

Unfortunately for you, you’re a Hetzel. Hetzels have had this issue for a long, long time – let’s review:

  • 10,000BC – Grok Hetzel was competing for leadership of his clan, the Ookah’Ookahs. After the successful capture and castration of an adult Saber-tooth, the clan realized that Grok did in fact have what it would take to lead. The clan had a grand feast of Saber-Tooth, Mammoth, Berries and Grass that eventually lead to the crowning of their new leader. Grok was extremely proud of himself as he watched the clans shaman slowly lift the tooth-laden crown to the top of Grok’s head. In an act of great excitement, Grok threw his fist into the air and yelled, but in doing so, he let out a grand fart (Can you blame the guy? Have you ever eaten Mammoth?) and unfortunately couldn’t control himself, as he shat on the foot of the high-shaman. The clan saw this as an act of extreme disrespect and promptly beheaded their short-lived leader. It’s said that Krom Saska was his predecessor.
  • 1500’s. Leonardo da Hetzel had always been a fan of aviation, which is what lead him to sketch and build many machines that had the potential to fly. After years and years of hard work he eventually invented a glider that was in fact capable of performing avian-like feats. Leonardo gathered all of the prominent citizens of Italy to demonstrate a test flight – he launched from a small peak and much to his delight, HIS CREATION WORKED! Unfortunately, having never truly flown before, the heights caused him to become very nervous, resulting in the passing of gas. He was unable to control himself and ended up dropping small bits of feces upon the citizens he was flying over. Upon landing, Leonaro was met by an angry mob, who demanded him stoned to death.

    Note: In the early 1900’s, Leonardo da Hetzels name was changed to Leonardo da Vinci, in an attempt to cover up this moment in the Hetzel family history.

  • April 14th, 1865. Abe Hetzel was seeing a play with his wife, Gertrude. The couple had just come from dinner and Abe wasn’t feeling so well, but Gertrude had been looking forward to this play for some time, so he decided to power through the show for her sake. Half-way through the play, Abe’s stomach began to get worse and worse, causing flatulence. As his stomach grew increasingly worse, so did the gas, eventually resulting in him passing a bowel movement in his seat. The sounds and smells were greatly distracting one avid viewer, John Wilkes Saska. In an act of extreme, theatrical rage, John Wilkes Saska shot at Abe, only meaning to ‘scare’ him into leaving. Unfortunately guns were not all that accurate at the time and the bullet not only hit Abe Hetzel… but it killed him.

As you can see Peter, it’s not your fault. It’s your genetics.

Now I feel cheap for having written  a page worth of poo stories. I hate you.


Question(s) Of The Week #4!


Another week has gone by. Feels good, doesn’t it? Tomorrow is Friday, everyone rejoice!

One more week of work and then I’ll be off for a glorious nine days, four of which will be spent in Las Vegas. Yeah, I’m stoked!

So, let’s get this weekend started off right by asking Tyler some questions, and then seeing what kind of ridiculously awesome answers he can throw out tomorrow, I’ve changed the format in a bit in that now I will just answer everything asked, instead of just choosing one. I just enjoy all of them so much, I can’t pick.

For the new readers simply leave a question in the comment section, anything you want, and I’ll answer it tomorrow! Sounds fun, right? RIGHT?! You’re damn right it does.

Here’s last weeks:

And my answers:

I’m a terrible blogger. (Also answering QOTW #3)

I got so caught up with other things that I completely forgot about you, you pretty blog of mine.

I’m sorry, I meant to give you some love over the weekend. I just got distracted. Remember Me, Beer Pong, Hiking, Dante’s Inferno, birthday dinners and whatnot. It won’t happen again baby, I promise. (fingers might be crossed)

Alas, it’s time for me to finally answer some questions posted by my wonderful friends last week.

yeahhhh boi.

If the US is better than Canada why is Canada bigger and on top?

I never said the US was better. Canada is far superior in every way, mainly for the two reasons you mentioned.
Also drinking ages, marijuana and hell, the health care is neat, too.


Would you rather live out the rest of your life as a hot girl, or an awesome flesh eating bird of prey?

Hmm, this is a tough call… Let’s decide through the use of a point system:

the chick gets two half X's. One (can rip a heart out emotionally... /EMO) and two because chicks eating flesh is frowned upon.


What will you do when LOST ends?!

Probably consider killing myself, or at least hold off until I can get the DVD’s and re-watch with commentary. It’s going to be a sad, sad day for me.

WHY MUST IT END? :( :( :(

No Cake

Why even when i wear a white shirt do i pull black cotton fuzz from my belly button?
This occured when i sat here for 2 days straight working and having no sleep. I went to take a shower before passing out and despite wearing a white shirt the entire time i pulled a black fuzzy out!

It’s white fuzz being colored with your black blood and sweat, duh. God damn half-blood.

Also, Q-Tips dawg, clean that b-button.

Guess what Nick's gettin' for his birthday?!

Ze Question of Ze Week #3

Wow, it’s already been a week? I do find some irony in the fact that I just made a post about “UGH I NEED MORE TIME IN A DAY” but I also really appreciate the fact that the days seem to be flying by. Perhaps time knows about my 9 day vacation coming up? Thanks, time! I can’t wait to spend my days drunkenly wondering around Vegas, either. :)


Anyways, you should all know the drill by now – Post a question in the comments section of this post, anything you want and I’ll pick one and answer it in a post tomorrow.

hai guiz, i’m on this blog, answering your questions.

Just want to go ahead and thank everyone for reading the blog, commenting and providing me material for posts like these. It’s actually incredibly fun being able to write and get a lot of the stuff written out, rather than just hold it in. With that said, I’m going to answer all of the questions asked for Question Of The Week #2. HERE WE GO!:

Number 1.

No Cake //

How important does a person have to be before he is considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

They need to be on my level. As far as I know, there hasn’t been an assassination yet, I’m still alive. Just kidding, assassinations aren’t funny. Or are they?

Honestly, I think it just depends on the level of popularity of the person, along with location and time. If Barack Obama was murdered tomorrow, we would call it an assassination, now what if Kevin Rudd, the Prime Minister of Australia was killed instead? Do you think the common U.S. citzen cares or knows of him enough to think he’s that important? It’s entirely possibly that the Australian goverment cries out “ASSASSINATION!” while we here in the U.S. think “sorry your boy got murdered!”.

Unfortunately I haven’t had the chance to see what the education system is like in other countries, and what kind of history lessons they give – if you study World History in China, do they talk about the Lincoln assassination or is it more of a ‘list of U.S. presidents killed’ ?

Thanks Nick for such a downer question, fuck. To make up for it, go listen to this song, cheer up and move on to the next question. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Number 2.

kristina //

If brand new and frightened rabbit had a baby, what would its name be? and what would it sound like?


Oh deer. LOL GET IT?

Merging two of my favorite artists is a risky business. Could BrandNew stand to have a Scottish singer? Would Jesse Lacey and Scott Hutchison blend well together? Probably. I could imagine some kind of epic ‘Backwards Walk’ and ‘I believe you, but my Tommy gun don’t’ mash-up.

Hrm. Obviously blending the two names together is kinda bleh. Frightened New? Brand New Frightened Rabbit? I would go with ‘The last band you’ll ever hear‘ because it’s going to be so fucking epic you’re going to explode after you finish listening to it. It would be wonderful.

Number 3.

Dick //

How far along in the sex change process does it take for a tranny to be considered doable?

Silly guy, you can do it anytime. You can always find a way. It’s all personal preference. I think the question you’re really asking me is “Tyler, if I got a sex change, could we…?” and you know what? Maybe.

If this kid can make it work, why can't Richie?

Number 4.

Sasqa //

If you were given the chance to take Ellen Page, Aubrey Plaza, or Jenna Fischer on a date — not taking into consideration any real world constraints — which would you choose and describe the date you would take them on in order to maximize the possibility of securing an (extremely hot) celebrity sex slave.

Choice #1.

Choice #3.

Choice #2.

This is going to be fun, remember Kristina, I love you!

Now this is strictly based off of the characters these ladies portray, as (unfortunately) I don’t know them in real life.

Ellen Page: Cute, sarcastic, quirky (Juno), enjoys kicking some ass (Whip It), but also a bit of a prude (Smart People). While I do think she’s cute, and she probably enjoys mocking people just as much as I do, I’d be too terrified that she would castrate me if I ever upset her (Hard Candy).

Aubrey Plaza: Pulls off the cute/sarcastic combo again, but sometimes she’s a little too air-headed (Parks and Recreation). Incredibly funny, could keep me laughing for awhile (Funny People), but the fact that she occasionally seems like she has downs in P&R would probably kill it for me.

If you know anything about me, you know who the winner was before even beginning to read this answer.

Jenna Fischer


I don’t even need to consider her other roles, Pam Beesly (Her character in the Office) is everything I could want. She’s extremely intelligent, funny and beautiful, she’s got a strong morale compass and she’s able to admit and work from mistakes (Hmm, sounds a lot like… my girlfriend! <3).  Granted, the relationship between Pam and Jim was what pulled me into the show and kept me going, so I might be a bit biased.

I know you’re looking for some detailed scenario in which I win her over with some ‘Say Anything-esq’ magic but honestly, I’m amazing. If she met me she could be mine pretty easily if I could turn on my charm. Unfortunately I’d probably just keep making Office references, ask her to say “Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam” on my voicemail greeting and then ask her what it’s like getting to hang out with John Krasinksi, she would most likely get annoyed and walk out.

But what do I care? I’ll just call myself.

Phew. That was a long one. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

QOTW (Question of the week) – Week #2.

Another Thursday has hit and it’s time for the second installment of:

Question Of The Week‘!.

Simply post a question in the comment section; anything you want to know or would like my take on and I’ll pick one (if any) and answer it tomorrow morning.

Last weeks glorious answer:

Let’s get some good ones rollin’ in, kay? Couple entry’s to come in the next day involving the mentally challenged, lesbians, midgets, drinking and more. Check back in soon if this tickles your fancy.

Horn-less Rhino Vs. Knife-helmed Giraffe.

Thank you (Saska) for participating in the Question Of The Week! I suppose I should have broadcasted the blog a bit more, ah well, a good a question as any.

Sasqa //

Which would win in a fight, a crazed giraffe with knives taped to it’s head? Or a rhinoceros with no horns?

Ah yes, the age old debate.

Let me ask you this – Have you ever seen a fucking giraffe? The average adult is around 20 feet. Now, how about a Rhino? About six feet tall.

Do you know how a giraffe gets things off the ground? It splays it’s likes, bending them outwards so it can tilt it’s body and neck towards the ground. Imagine what that does – it gives up all mobility and most of it’s balance (plus it looks retarded) in order to get down to our (or a Rhinos) level.

Stupid animal.

I predict the fight happening like this:

(Giraffe roams up to his favorite tree, only to see a hornless Rhino defecating on it)
Giraffe: “BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH” (that’s the noise they make, watch Animal Planet once in awhile, okay?)                                         (Giraffe begins taping knives to head)
(that’s right.)

The Giraffe eventually insults the Rhino, mocking him for lack of horn. The Rhino is extremely upset and charges the Giraffe, who begins to get into attack position (like an idiot). The Rhino sees the Giraffe slowly lowering it’s head and decides to run around the Giraffe who can’t turn because he’s fucking splaying his legs. The Rhino headbutts the Giraffe in the hind legs, despite lacking a horn the blow is extremely effective, the Giraffe tumbles down and the Rhino finishes him up with several (hornless) headbutts to the face.

Graphic, I know, imagine how I felt when watching it on the Discovery Channel.

Hey ladies, I'm single

And that solves that.