Category Archives: wtf?

OH GOD WHATS HAPPENING I DONT EVEN?

Answering QOTW:4.

Question #1:

Peter “hot rod” Hetzel

Why is it when I fart poo comes out sometimes?

While  I’m not surprised your question is about poo, I still have to let you know how much I hate you! :)

Ah well, a question is a question, right?

Unfortunately for you, you’re a Hetzel. Hetzels have had this issue for a long, long time – let’s review:

  • 10,000BC – Grok Hetzel was competing for leadership of his clan, the Ookah’Ookahs. After the successful capture and castration of an adult Saber-tooth, the clan realized that Grok did in fact have what it would take to lead. The clan had a grand feast of Saber-Tooth, Mammoth, Berries and Grass that eventually lead to the crowning of their new leader. Grok was extremely proud of himself as he watched the clans shaman slowly lift the tooth-laden crown to the top of Grok’s head. In an act of great excitement, Grok threw his fist into the air and yelled, but in doing so, he let out a grand fart (Can you blame the guy? Have you ever eaten Mammoth?) and unfortunately couldn’t control himself, as he shat on the foot of the high-shaman. The clan saw this as an act of extreme disrespect and promptly beheaded their short-lived leader. It’s said that Krom Saska was his predecessor.
  • 1500’s. Leonardo da Hetzel had always been a fan of aviation, which is what lead him to sketch and build many machines that had the potential to fly. After years and years of hard work he eventually invented a glider that was in fact capable of performing avian-like feats. Leonardo gathered all of the prominent citizens of Italy to demonstrate a test flight – he launched from a small peak and much to his delight, HIS CREATION WORKED! Unfortunately, having never truly flown before, the heights caused him to become very nervous, resulting in the passing of gas. He was unable to control himself and ended up dropping small bits of feces upon the citizens he was flying over. Upon landing, Leonaro was met by an angry mob, who demanded him stoned to death.

    Note: In the early 1900’s, Leonardo da Hetzels name was changed to Leonardo da Vinci, in an attempt to cover up this moment in the Hetzel family history.

  • April 14th, 1865. Abe Hetzel was seeing a play with his wife, Gertrude. The couple had just come from dinner and Abe wasn’t feeling so well, but Gertrude had been looking forward to this play for some time, so he decided to power through the show for her sake. Half-way through the play, Abe’s stomach began to get worse and worse, causing flatulence. As his stomach grew increasingly worse, so did the gas, eventually resulting in him passing a bowel movement in his seat. The sounds and smells were greatly distracting one avid viewer, John Wilkes Saska. In an act of extreme, theatrical rage, John Wilkes Saska shot at Abe, only meaning to ‘scare’ him into leaving. Unfortunately guns were not all that accurate at the time and the bullet not only hit Abe Hetzel… but it killed him.

As you can see Peter, it’s not your fault. It’s your genetics.

Now I feel cheap for having written  a page worth of poo stories. I hate you.

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halp, I need more time in a day!

30 hour days would be perfect for me.

Been struggling to keep up with work/commuting/family/relationship/friends and just haven’t had enough time to post a proper update. I am working on one that’s essentially ‘How the Oscars would have been if Tyler Coney ran the show’, but I haven’t had time to bang it out (hey-ohhhhhhh).

Is anyone else deeply upset with the fact that National Drinking Day aka St. Patrick’s Day is on a freakin’ Wednesday? What the ef is that about? I suppose the following Thursday is going to be an interesting day at work, wheeee!

I didn’t have a chance to see a movie this week, our local theatre stopped doing it’s $5 movie Tuesdays, which has caused me to boycott the theaters until Friday when ‘Remember Me’ comes out.

That’s right, I want to see it.

I did however see ‘The Crazies’ last week which was unbelievably good. I went in expecting very little as finding a good horror movie is such a rarity these days, but it was fantastic. Felt like I was watching some twisted combination of ‘Snakes on a Plane’ and an ‘Of the Dead’ movie. One of the highlights though had to be the mentally handicapped guy sitting in the front row. I’m not proud of laughing at this but my god… every time it would get suspenseful/silent this guy would moan. At first I was convinced it was the movie but sure enough he was just doin’ his thing and making odd sounds. Bravo, sir!

I’m in the process of making my beer pong table; I think I’ll be adding an update as I go step-by-step so I can share the beautiful transformation with the world.

I need to gtfo work so I can watch Lost, halp, halp.

Horn-less Rhino Vs. Knife-helmed Giraffe.

Thank you (Saska) for participating in the Question Of The Week! I suppose I should have broadcasted the blog a bit more, ah well, a good a question as any.

Sasqa //

Which would win in a fight, a crazed giraffe with knives taped to it’s head? Or a rhinoceros with no horns?

Ah yes, the age old debate.

Let me ask you this – Have you ever seen a fucking giraffe? The average adult is around 20 feet. Now, how about a Rhino? About six feet tall.

Do you know how a giraffe gets things off the ground? It splays it’s likes, bending them outwards so it can tilt it’s body and neck towards the ground. Imagine what that does – it gives up all mobility and most of it’s balance (plus it looks retarded) in order to get down to our (or a Rhinos) level.

Stupid animal.

I predict the fight happening like this:

(Giraffe roams up to his favorite tree, only to see a hornless Rhino defecating on it)
Giraffe: “BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH” (that’s the noise they make, watch Animal Planet once in awhile, okay?)                                         (Giraffe begins taping knives to head)
Rhino: “ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
(that’s right.)

The Giraffe eventually insults the Rhino, mocking him for lack of horn. The Rhino is extremely upset and charges the Giraffe, who begins to get into attack position (like an idiot). The Rhino sees the Giraffe slowly lowering it’s head and decides to run around the Giraffe who can’t turn because he’s fucking splaying his legs. The Rhino headbutts the Giraffe in the hind legs, despite lacking a horn the blow is extremely effective, the Giraffe tumbles down and the Rhino finishes him up with several (hornless) headbutts to the face.

Graphic, I know, imagine how I felt when watching it on the Discovery Channel.

Hey ladies, I'm single

And that solves that.

Denials Truths…

UGHHHHHH.

Wow, what a perfectly fitting anagram. I saw Shutter Island this morning (well, 12:01am).][EDIT] I let this sit in drafts far too long, ah well.] It has me thinking about anagrams a lot… another fitting one?

find muck.

Unfortunately, due to me loving the night life I’ve had a grand total of 12 hours sleep since Tuesday morning and I promptly fell asleep during the first forty minutes of the movie.

Normally I would be saddened by something like this as I’ve been awaiting this film for some time but I honestly can’t say I feel like I missed much, sure there was some missing ‘plot points’ but I came away feeling like I had seen a nice, condensed version, I was left very satisfied.

To borrow from Sum-41 – All killer, no filler.

Sorry, I need a minute to get over the fact I just referenced Sum-41 and I don’t feel ashamed of myself.

The acting was amazing; I haven’t been so connected with a character since Daniel Day Lewis morphed into Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood, Leonardo DiCaprio was incredible to say the least. I’ve never been a fan of Mark Ruffalo but he freaking nailed it here. Ben Kingsley is always good, certainly no exception here.

I’ve been hearing a lot of reports that people don’t feel this is a great Sorcese movie; that it doesn’t live up to the directors name – Personally, I think he did an incredible job, he took a genre that I typically wouldn’t care for (Reminds me too much of my mothers ‘thriller’ novels) and turned it into a visually stunning, creepy and exciting tale. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen me sleep but I knock the fuck out. I’m like a bear hibernating, yet once the plot train left the station and the movie started playing out, I snapped awake and was left on the edge of my seat until the credits rolled. That has to count for something, right?

End result: Go see the movie. If you’re lucky, I might go see it with you.

I’ll give the movie a thumbs up and a high-five; because numerical ratings suck.